If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
