my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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