So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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