.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
