My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My boob is missing a layer of skin
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
