I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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