your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
