Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
