Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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