there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
