just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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