I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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