Sober January is a disaster.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
