I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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