I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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