I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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