i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
