everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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