you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
