If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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