dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
