it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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