Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
