so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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