Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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