Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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