1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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