Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
