Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We need a shit load of segways right now
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
