why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
