what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
