who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
