I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
