Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
