You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
