we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
