you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
