Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
