god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
