I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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