I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
