We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
