Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
