1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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