He is such a slut. More and more my type.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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