so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
