Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
