Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
