You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
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