dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
