So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just blew my weed a kiss
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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