I need to stop coming to work sober
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
