mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
