My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
