I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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