I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
