I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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