FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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