i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
